let's remain curious

It seems as though I have much more power and determination within me than I really have ever...

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 03:01:17 -0400

It seems as though I have much more power and determination within me than I really have ever realized. I think that many of us are that way; we’re always floating around, wishing that we were as great as the others who seem to take on life with ease. The fact is, we are all different, and take on life in different ways. Whatever works. That’s the idea that I’m getting at. What is right for one, is not necessarily right for another. Every single individual has their own individual preferences and ways of getting things done. The issue is that we are all trying to measure up to the successes that we are surrounded by, never allowing the inner strength of our essence to truly drive us where we need to go. It takes time to embrace both your strengths and weaknesses. I think that I’ve at least began to get a handle on what I’m truly capable of, and I don’t think that I’ll be finished anytime soon.

I know what matters to me.

danelleisnice: Spheres road by *AndreiPavel

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 17:12:16 -0500

danelleisnice:

Spheres road by *AndreiPavel

red-lipstick: Carla Dearman - Awfully Sweet ...

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 17:00:30 -0500

red-lipstick:

Carla Dearman - Awfully Sweet Paintings: Oil on Canvas
http://carladearman.com/gallery.php

The Many Emotions And Adventures Of A Moderd Gemini Female 1

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 23:48:00 -0500

There is no telling what I’ll be feeling a day from now. Everything is constantly changing and constantly becoming stale or new again; it all just depends on my perception at that particular moment.

I have a habit of getting upset over small matters. Little changes made by other people make me go unhinged, even though I would not have any issues if the same action had been done by myself. I think that it’s a control thing. I’ve actually stopped hanging out with many people all-together. I want to see them, sometimes, but then I’m taken over with so much incoherent, intangible apprehensiveness. It makes no sense. Maybe I’m just scared. I’m not sure of what.

I’ve always wanted to do something big.

I doubt myself almost 80% of the time. As it turns out, that’s not a very attractive attribute, to myself or others. I’m not sure how one stops doubting what they do, obviously. Life would be much more pleasant and simpler if I believed that I could do more. I know I can, but then I don’t.

I am the person that I am today because of my accumulated experiences with people and all that has been around me until this point. I’ll continue to grow and reach new places, but I will always carry with me the past and everything that I have learned from it.

I was a nervous kid to say the least. I was afraid of nearly everyone. People have always made me nervous. I played a lot outside, picking up bugs and lizards and putting them in jars to play with later, having tea parties with cats, and picking flowers till the sun went down. When it came to people though, I would have much rather not dealt with the stress of it. I remember being confused a lot, as if everything going on around me was all too big for my mind to wrap around. My parents have been divorced since before I can remember. I was always going with my dad every other weekend to spend time with him and my granny and papa. My dad would always stop at the gas station and let me pick out whatever candy and drink I wanted. My papa would always call me Spider, because I was all arms and legs when I was born. He would always pick on me about being from East Texas, and that would joke that I would be an old maid. I remember it used to annoy me. Now I look back at it only with fondness and kind of yearn to hear my papa one more time calling me Spider.

All that I can think about lately is moving out. We’ve actually saved a bit of money, and...

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 03:29:24 -0500

All that I can think about lately is moving out. We’ve actually saved a bit of money, and we’re planning to be moved into our own apartment by the end of this year. I’m so excited, and scared. This is going to be fun, and new.

There are parts of me that go to really dark places, the possibilities, the realities, all of it....

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 03:28:46 -0500

There are parts of me that go to really dark places, the possibilities, the realities, all of it. All of the world. I find myself getting lost in the many deficient areas of the everyday human existence. Of course, I should just focus on other things. The things in this world that bring happiness and light. I do also appreciate all of the good in the world as well, but I’m always brought back down by the fact that the world is, in many ways, a black hole of misery. So many people must suffer just to exist. Just to make a living. It makes no sense for every little inch to cost every ounce of energy a person has. With so much technology, one would truly think that our lives would be made easier. Of course, we have our cell phones, our computers, radios, alarm clocks, cars, airplanes, and they do make life much easier in some aspects. But then one must think of the cost of all of these items. All of these things cost money, and in order to make money, you must work, and in order to work you must be willing to loosen your grip on your freedom. Freedom. Hm. We are free. To an extent. But as I said before, with work comes less freedom. Maybe the reason that our government doesn’t feel the need to place us under full control is because we already are under control, at least for the most part. Of course there are people here and there who mess up the flow, but they themselves seem to fit right into the, well not to sound crazy, but matrix. Lol. Nobody really has any time to do much of anything, at least not while they’re young. Most people have to wait until the end of their prime to do anything adventurous, at least if they plan on being able to survive. There is so much responsibility, so much weight. Don’t get me wrong, we are all due some work and some responsibility, but should all of our thoughts and actions revolve around the little system that is already set up. Complicated, ridiculous, system. Not everyone feels this way, maybe they just aren’t as dark as I am. Maybe they aren’t as crazy. I don’t know. It should be easier to be happy. That’s all. People shouldn’t have to fight tooth and nail in order to get a sliver of worry-free happiness

I’m in a ranting mood, so here’s another topic that is freshly on my brain.
I wouldn’t say that I hate the world. I wouldn’t say that I hate people. Or maybe I would. I always wonder how other people are feeling. I wonder if they have the same feelings and thoughts that I do, and if they’re just as scared and turned off by everyone as I am. To me, it comes down to the fact that you just can’t trust a lot of people anymore. The people closest to you are the ones that usually end up hurting you, and that is just reality. There are reason’s for this, and it isn’t difficult to see. We are hurt by the people closest to us because we are so close to them. Even small things can turn into something big when it’s about someone you care about. Small, pitiful little arguments can hurt the most just because one little thing is said in the wrong way. People are so hurt, and ready to take flight. Or maybe it’s just me. I get my feelings hurt countless times during the day, everyday. It’s not that people are out to get me, but that they are trying to live their own life. They are separate. As people, our perception of those around us is skewed. Many of us seem to kind of treat the people around us as objects in our own mind and body. That’s why we get so disappointed when others do certain things that you do not agree with.

People and life in general are so damn complicated sometimes, but life is still a beautiful thing. Although I think about dark, sad things I still see the beauty in every day that I am welcomed into. I have a long way to go before I am completely okay with the things that just tend to happen, but I will eventually get my stuff together.

I really had forgotten how good it feels to read a book, and become completely captivated by the...

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 02:09:31 -0500

I really had forgotten how good it feels to read a book, and become completely captivated by the characters. Even if the book isn’t all that great. There’s just something about finishing a book that makes me feel good about myself, like I’ve accomplished some big homework assignment. I had pretty much stopped reading. I didn’t really think about it. I just kind of stopped reading. I think that I just got out of high school, and didn’t have as much time to just sit around and read. A few days ago though, I just got this feeling that I needed to get away and read a book. Anything. So I picked one up, and I got so into it that I finished it in two days. I love reading. It gets me away. Keeps me from thinking too much. Although it is pretty sad when I finish a book. I always wish that there was more. That’s why I’m going to find another book to delve into tomorrow at the library. I’m going to be spending all day at school tomorrow, so I might as well make use of my time by finding an awesome book. YAY FOR BOOKS! YAY FOR READING!

Photo

Mon, 04 Feb 2013 17:02:32 -0500

You broke it off with me yesterday. Of course, you went back on it when I started crying. That...

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 16:14:31 -0500

You broke it off with me yesterday. Of course, you went back on it when I started crying. That doesn’t make anything better; then I’m just left with doubt about why you’re really here. You did it because I can’t trust. You said that I was disconnected. You said that it wouldn’t work. Maybe it won’t, but this going back and forth on serious decisions won’t help. I’m in a constant state of almost, until I’ve resorted back to being totally closed off in order to protect myself. Now, even though you and I are still together, I will be in doubt. I will question most everything that you say or do. It’s going to make things worse. I would tell myself that I’m going to try and hide my emotions from you, but I doubt that I’ll be able to pull that one off. I’ve always been incredibly transparent when it comes to the way that I feel; i’m always wearing my heart on my sleeve, asking for someone to disappoint me. I’ve depended too much in the past on those around me to bring the happiness that I feel in my life in bits and pieces. I really don’t even think that I know how to be happy for any length of time. It is such a treasure when I don’t feel any strains, and I truly feel as though I can let go and be myself. Most people are so judgmental, and if they aren’t that, they’re probably going to end up letting you down. I have a difficult time with trying with other people because of this. I always kind of wonder what the point of it is. I’m tired of talking. I just want to be. I’m tired of listening. I just want to be. I literally cannot stand one more moment of pointless drabble. Things that I don’t care about. But then the question really is, what is it that I DO like. I’m always complaining, but is there anything that I take pride in? Is there anything that really is the one thing that will always make me tick?

fuckyeahpreraphaelites: Gentle SpringFrederick Sandys

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 16:02:10 -0500

fuckyeahpreraphaelites:

Gentle Spring
Frederick Sandys

I’m sitting in the room that my boyfriend and I share, alone, smoking, and listening to Boy...

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 01:49:46 -0500

I’m sitting in the room that my boyfriend and I share, alone, smoking, and listening to Boy Eats Drum Machine. They have various styles in their songs, but most of them really capture you…or they do me. It seems that the only time that I’m really happy is when I’m all alone getting lost in all kinds of music. Just disconnected. I’m not sure if this is where I’m supposed to be. Thus far, it hasn’t proved to be very beneficial for my life. I’ve found myself to feel depressed all the time, about little things that don’t really matter. There is always something to worry about. I feel completely stifled.

music though, really helps.

I will never be able to trust people. There will always be something there that just stops me from...

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 16:14:33 -0500

I will never be able to trust people. There will always be something there that just stops me from really allowing myself to feel fully comfortable in the presence of someone. Anyone. I prefer to be alone, usually. Every now and then I’ll get a jolt of longing to be around another person. Soon though, it’s replaced by a feeling of anxiety that doesn’t allow me to. All of my relationships suffer from it. There only person that I seem to be alright with being around is Devin, and I do not trust him. I do sometimes.I’m just wondering if anything will ever really be okay, or if I’ll always be at battle with my inner-self, attempting to break him down and admit that he is in fact trying to get one over on me. Paranoia can get to you. Anything becomes possible, because you know that anything is actually possible. People are plenty able, and they take advantage of it nearly always. I’m lying, I’m sure there are many good-natured souls out there, I just am stuck on some who don’t really care…or didn’t at one time.

To some it isn’t even possible to break ties with they way that you’re living your life...

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:32:23 -0500

To some it isn’t even possible to break ties with they way that you’re living your life and move on to a new stage that will leave you more successful, and a little more wise. Spending money is my problem. Little things here and there, adding up to a great mass of spent money that I can’t make up. This would be fine if I didn’t want to actually get somewhere in the moderately near future. I can never just SAVE what I have. If I have it, I want to spend it. Do something fun. Go out to eat. Something to fill the void. I’m constantly coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t have to live with Devin’s family, and he and I should have our own apartment, but how are we supposed to do that when I can’t even seem to save $50 until my next paycheck even. I’ve definitely allowed materialism to run rampant in my life lately. I need to realize a sense of moderation and also just gain a bit of self-reliance. I’m going to have to depend on myself for the rest of my life, why not start doing it now?

On another note, I just started my second semester at Lee College. I don’t want for it to end up the way that it did last semester. Although I did just fine in my classes in the end, the actual carrying out of this course of events was incredibly stressful. I allowed my assignments to pile up, and I didn’t study nearly as much as I truly needed to. I’ve gone to my English 1302 class already and met my professor for that class. She’s super young compared to any of the professors that I’ve ever had in the past. My first thought when I walked in to the class was “Is she filling in for the actual professor?” I realized a bit later that she was in fact my professor, and she runs her class as if it were a help group. Lots of learning about everyone else in the classroom. I’m a shy gal, so this didn’t really have me jumping for joy. There’s no way to tell how I’ll feel about her later in the semester. Part of me though really wishes that I would have taken the same English professor that I had last semester for English 1301. He was just a really swell teacher. Old school, but he made me really want to prove myself in his class. I’m not sure if I’m going to have the same type of drive in this class. First impressions can be deceiving though. Who knows, I could be running a love campaign in a month dedicated to her class. I’m just not sure.

decisions

Tue, 18 Dec 2012 16:53:45 -0500

There are many things that I can’t seem to understand, and just as many that I think that I’ve figured out. The one thing that I can be certain of is that I’m not certain about anything really.

It’s strange the way that time works; it bends and twists your thoughts and emotions, barely recognizing what you once felt or thought. With each decision made, your life skews in one direction or the next, creating various outcomes depending on the next decision made. There is no true way to depict where exactly one decision will lead you. Of course, there are the obvious decisions which have obvious outcomes, but there’s no telling what lies beneath the surface.

lost

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 03:40:45 -0500

I often find myself feeling bored and anxious. I almost feel as though I never quite get a handle on what is happening around me. Even the things that I’m invested in, and that should truly matter, seem to be masked by a foggy, confusing melting pot of everything that I encounter or imagine. I’m unbalanced, and I rarely do anything that inspires me much. Of course, my imagination runs wild, but I lack action and stamina. Sometimes it’s as if all of my energy has just been sucked from me. I feel fully enveloped, and I truly have to force myself into a change.

Part of me thinks that I’m just lazy. I scold myself almost constantly when my body just doesn’t feel like doing what my mind wants, knowing all the while that I’m just remaining listless and boring because I want to. Another part of me thinks that it is the fact that I don’t have enough time spent away from my boyfriend, friends, and my phone/computer. I think that this has a lot to do with it honestly. When Dev is around, it’s like I literally cannot make myself do something productive. Even if we aren’t talking, and he’s working on his music, I just don’t feel like doing anything. Maybe it’s this god forsaken apartment that we’re living in. I feel trapped in here sometimes, like I’ll never escape.

I just feel overwhelmed in most areas of my life at most times. Looking back at my past personas, it’s hard to remember how exactly I felt on a daily basis. Was I constantly nervous then too?….yeah, probably. I’m neverendingly nervous. I wonder sometimes whether or not other people feel this way; Here, but secretly closed off from everything around them.

I want to find peace.

I’m mostly just in my head. Always, in my head, thinking, dreaming, worrying, loving, hating, envying. All to myself. All in my head.

Maybe I'll be a writer someday.

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 17:35:01 -0400

maybe.

Video

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 16:32:14 -0400

oldfilmsflicker: It’s mid-October, which means it’s almost...

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 16:29:25 -0400

oldfilmsflicker:

It’s mid-October, which means it’s almost November, which means it’s almost time for NOIRVEMBER. Join me and my noir tumblr filmnoirandfemmefatales for a month of nothing but noir! This is the third year I’ve done this and it just gets better every year. I thought I’d put this out there early so y’all can get yourselves ready/find films. iCheckMovies has two really helpful lists to get you in the Noir mood: IMDb’s Top 50 Noirs (this list, for the most part, is the cream of the crop when it comes to Noir) and They Shoot Pictures, Don’t They?’s 250 Quintessential Noir Films (this list delves deeper into the era, with lots of delicious B noirs). You can find a lot these films on Netflix, YouTube, Fandor, Hulu, Amazon, etc. etc. So, stock up on your bourbon, get your list in order and join me for a Noir a day this Noirvember!

‘s what I’m feelin

I’m to the point where I could really just pick up and go. I’m so bored with my day to...

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 21:52:08 -0400

I’m to the point where I could really just pick up and go. I’m so bored with my day to day life, and I almost never have the time to hang around with the people that I really want to other than Devin. I want to finish college because I pretty much have to in order to be considered relevant by my family and everyone else in this world. What I’m really tired of is money. Everything is so damn expensive and trying to accomplish much today is like trying to climb a steep mountain with no supplies. Materialism, lack of empathy, and our outright inability to trust has completely dematerialized any true unity in our society. All of us are so scared of one another, and it seems to only worsen with age. Age and change gives us reason to disconnect from people and things that we once found very important. Yes, everyone must expand and change over time, but it has become more of a digression rather than an expansion of the mind and soul. I truly wish to be away from it all. I almost believe that we are past the point of change. Society today goes through various fads and crazes that last merely a few months in some cases, and after are descarded as almost a cliche because of the way that the mass media and merchandisers have drained the fluidity and substance from them. Sadly, bettering the world seems to be just another cool thing to do this week. I want to distance myself from all of this.

In the movies all of the moments are so completely captured, with so much fluidity that it can...

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 16:25:28 -0400

In the movies all of the moments are so completely captured, with so much fluidity that it can actually bring tears, true laughter, or even a strong feeling of nostalgia. I always find myself watching some romantic indie film about love or the issues having to do with it, and kind of yearning to be in their situation, as if the problems that I already have in my own love life weren’t enough. All the lights and the makeup really do make anything look almost glamorous. The problematic events or things that plague my life aren’t nearly as interesting.